They’re watching. Probably reading this right now.
But at least your head will be protected — from UV rays, the deep state, and whatever’s living in your neighbor’s basement. This isn’t just a hat. It’s a portable paranoia shield, handcrafted for the brave few who question why pigeons recharge on power lines and why Mountain Dew glows under blacklight.
Features include:
👁️ One embroidered eyeball that blinks only when you’re right.
👽 Conspiracy-grade stitching (confirmed by three anonymous sources).
🛸 Built-in resistance to mind-control frequencies (unverified but feels real).
Put it on. Adjust it. Whisper “they’ll never take me alive.”
You’re not crazy — you’re just early. 👀
(MLFA embroidered on the side small as well)
• 100% chino cotton twill
• Green Camo color is 35% chino cotton twill, 65% polyester
• Unstructured, 6-panel, low-profile
• 6 embroidered eyelets
• 3 ⅛” (7.6 cm) crown
• Adjustable strap with antique buckle
• Blank product sourced from Vietnam or Bangladesh
This product is made especially for you as soon as you place an order, which is why it takes us a bit longer to deliver it to you. Making products on demand instead of in bulk helps reduce overproduction, so thank you for making thoughtful purchasing decisions!
Size guide
| |
A (inches) |
B (inches) |
C (inches) |
D (inches) |
| One size |
20 ½-24 ⅜ |
4 ¾ |
3 ⅛ |
7 ½ |
